"Enough about my beauty.” Buttercup said. “Everybody always talks about how beautiful I am. I’ve got a mind, Westley. Talk about that.” - The Princess Bride

Ari leads his horde to the demolition derby

The producers tee us up for a night of meeting some of our contestants by announcing we have 2  one on one dates and a group date . I am almost expect to hear the price is right  guy shout  “ Come on down”  to start the festivities.

 

Becca brings midwestern sincerity to the show

Our first date is with Becca. Becca is a dark haired beauty from Minnesota and stands out amongst all the seemingly familiar herd of blonds in the house.

Becca gets treated to a  shopping festival where designer Rachel Zoe walks in to produce a bunch of dresses for Becca to try on and prance around for Ari –who seems to enjoy eating  oysters while offering outfit tips. I never heard of Rachel Zoe but then again you are not likely to hear me say “ I will take designers for $400. Alex”.  So far Becca seems sane and even sincere which is rare in Bachelor land  and we move on to the dining portion of our date where we expect the hardship back story.

The producers enjoy the contestants wheeling out some tragic backstory  so our  bachelor can appear sympathetic and develop an emotional bond.

Sample back story:

Bachelor Chick : well my family and I were living in Wyoming when our village was attacked by Cossacks and everyone was killed. My sister managed to toss me in a swamp despite  getting stabbed 37 times with a bayonet.  Gypsies found me crying two days later and brought me to a mountain top and left me since I was crying a lot. From there I was raised by wolves .

Bachelor: hmm.... so you are an outdoorsy kind of chick?

What I expect to see one day :

Bachelor : so tell me a little bit about your self

Bachelor Chick : well I am a Jets fan

Bachelor : OH JEEZ ( horrified )  that must be brutal !!! – how can you watch them ?

Tough Season- Every Season 

Our second date introduces us to Krystal a fitness trainer from San Diego. Ari flies her to his hometown in Scottsdale and takes her around to his high school. We also learn Ari worked at a pizza hut which may go towards explaining his classifying  pizza as some thing that excites him in our opener. Finally Krystal gets to meet the parents and says seems to be saying the right things but something is off about here. I can’t put my finger on it but I feel she is 2 mountains dews away from turning into Charo. I think what I feel is she is playing a role but underneath there is darkness.  I feel she will need more maintenance than a 1971 Pinto .

Crystal-  close to morphing into Charo

Next up the group date where our boy takes about a dozen of the  pack to a demolition derby.

I wonder if young Bekah can do this given I doubt she is old enough to drive. 

But Annaliese has a meltdown while she relays she had a traumatic experience playing bumper cars as a child. I am rolling eyes at this and  tag her with the nickname the Baron-  after the Baron Munchausen guy who served to name an psychiatric illness where people make up illnesses to get attention.

The Baron makes up a new trauma

Anyway, the Baron starts crying  but our boy Ari falls for it and goes to comfort her. Ari calmly  encourages  to face the dragon and participate in the derby while other of the colony openly laugh at this silliness. Jeez next we will hear  the chicks need safe spaces and puppies after a group date.

We do see Chelsea a bit during this as she and Ari circle each other . She sure is a Twinkie. She is going to be  bad for Ari but he wants her anyway

Chelsea and the shampoo commercial  chick 

.

During this we gets  peeks at a chick named Bibiana who has not seen the light of day and is pissed off about it. Her cameos portray her more angry each time. By now we are all sure she was a unanimous  selection  by her high school class as “Most likely to Take a life”.

Bibiana taking aim 

Meanwhile back at the mansion at the cocktail party she finally gets to have a chat with Ari when she is interrupted by Crystal . However, she really lets Crystal  have it for being such a needy whiner which hopefully  sets up a 2 on one date with them. 

Friendly Fire